While more commonly used to assist people in a relationship move through their conflict or move on in life, mediation also provides an excellent process for prospective LGBTQ+ parents, donors and caregivers to identify and explore issues they may need to consider and discuss in planning their Rainbow family.
By adopting a facilitative process that promotes open communication and understanding, mediation can help each adult involved in the proposed family structure identify, discuss, and agree on a range of subjects relating to their parenting journey. There may be some topics that will be common to most prospective Rainbow parents, such as parenting roles and living arrangements, while other identified topics will be specific to the unique family scenario.
The aim of a mediation process is to uncover, discuss and address anything of importance to those involved. In addition, a mediation framework can also provide prospective Rainbow parents with tools for considering, dealing with, and negotiating possible future changes in life circumstances – because if there is one certainty on any family journey, it is the inevitably of change.
A carefully considered plan at the beginning of the parenting journey brings transparency and clarity for Rainbow families
In our LGBTQ+ FDR mediation practice, we work with many Rainbow families considering next steps following a breakdown of the family relationship. This difficult and complex process is emotionally draining on all parties, and especially difficult for the children of Rainbow families who have grown up within a unique and diverse family structure. Often a common thread in these disputes is the absence of clearly defined roles and responsibilities when it comes to parenting and decisions that may impact the child. Bringing the principles of facilitative mediation to Rainbow family planning can help LGBTQ+ people carefully consider, discuss, and agree on important issues concerning the structure of their unique Rainbow family. This usually takes the form of a plan aimed at guiding families into the future, including in the unlikely scenario of conflict.
A Rainbow family plan can include the following:
Roles and Responsibilities of all parents outside of hetero models
Birth Certificate
Naming
Decision-making: day to day, significant and future focussed / long term
Names / titles of parents and significant others including non-biological grandparents
Extended family members and friends: communication, roles, involvement
Living / visitation arrangements including geography, holidays, special occasions
Financial matters
Third party support: medical, counselling, legal
What do we tell the child? / What is the child’s story? Messaging to third parties.
Dealing with issues / conflicts between parents and significant caregivers
Religion
Values and parenting styles
Counselling – family members, couples, and donors
Managing relationships when communication breaks down
Establishing boundaries
Health – medical
Role of biological parents
Education
Child support
Using the mediation process, involved parties work through a range of considerations
The mediator will remain neutral and impartial, helping parties work through a range of considerations specific to their unique situation by:
Assisting parties identify and isolate topics they need to consider and discuss
Helping parties openly explore identified issues and communicate with one another through a structured facilitated process
Enabling parties explore mutual interests, needs and concerns
Guiding parties through the process to find a workable solution and agreement for moving forward on their Rainbow family journey
Drafting a preliminary written agreement outlining the key points agreed between the parties.
At the conclusion of the mediation parties will have a written record of key points agreed between the parties that can be formalised through lawyers.
The Rainbow family planning approach ensures that everyone is heard
An important feature of using a mediation process for Rainbow family planning is that it allows all prospective Rainbow parents, donors and significant caregivers the opportunity to gain deeper insight into each other’s perspectives, so that the plan to move forward has been created with mutual input and understanding.
It’s impossible to plan for everything that may impact Rainbow families as they evolve over time. However, open and honest communication facilitated by a skilled professional in a safe and neutral environment at the beginning of your family journey will ensure your Rainbow family a good start.
To help you prepare for mediation, we have created a library of helpful information including checklists, tips and added detail around the process of mediation. For useful and relevant information you can download for free, we encourage you to visit our resources page.
All family breakdowns are painfully sad, and Rainbow families are no exception. However, sometimes due to the unique makeup of an LGBTQ+ family, things can become even more complex and challenging.
Skills learned in conflict coaching empower individuals to become self-aware of their own conflict habits and analyse conflict when it occurs, to shift perspective from a reactionary ‘fight or flight’ to a more rational, thinking and solution-focussed position.
Any dispute occurring within the context of a business relationship is known as a commercial dispute. If not dealt with quickly and effectively, commercial disputes have the potential to destroy livelihoods.
Often described in mediation as ‘finding the child’s voice in the absence of the child’, in Family Dispute Resolution (FDR), child informed mediation is a specific type of mediation informed by the input of the child or children involved, through working with a specialist child consultant.
Mediation works because it replaces blame and punishment with problem-solving. And the effects of this approach can produce real and lasting behavioural change (rather than the antiquated notion of being caught and punished in an ongoing cycle that can continue into adulthood).
